A Grave Situation

Lovemaking Tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. To make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, In case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want... The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at
the pub with a toast about you, Mary...'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

A True Friend

Swollen Knees

The Real Meaning of Courage

What's the meaning of courage?

Is it to fight a bull in a bullring?

Is it to drive a formula 1 car?

Is it to fly a fighter into combat?

Is it to practice free fall parachuting?

Is it bungee jumping or white water rafting?

Is it to gamble your salary on a coin toss?

Is it to insult the doorman in a bar?

Is it to insult your boss?
Bullsh!t.....that's nothin'.


THIS is COURAGE!!!

The Priest's Baby

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" says the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!"

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

Do Not Swallow Chewing Gum!

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Those poor, poor young women--see how they strain!
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Service With a Smile

I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'

U.S. Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

T.V. 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

City & County Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

and 'Service' Stations



This is not what I thought 'service' meant.


But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said

he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!!

It all came into perspective.

I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

Jokes To Offend Nearly Everyone...

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan


What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag


Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever


What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... a recipe


How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins with 'Once upon a time ...' -A southern fairytale
begins with 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....


Why is there no Disneyland in Japan?
No one is tall enough to go on the good rides

Church Ladies

Maybe that's why the place they sit in church is called a "pew"! :D

Kiss My Nose

A Different Kind of Senior Moment...

(click on image to enlarge)

Missing more than the point...

Pantyhose Quiz

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Now, think about it... Ready?


scroll down








Answer:

10 little piggies,





2 calves,



1 ass,


an unknown number of hares,
...

And, of course, 1 ...



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I suppose that some pantyhose may also harbor dozens of crabs, too. Now wouldn't that be lousy!



Note: The original pantyhose quiz--the part preceding my lousy addition--was a bit of humor emailed to me recently, not my own creation. I did modify it slightly, by substituting calves for the original cows. It's the perfectionist in me, sad to say.

Married Life

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

“Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.


He whispered back, “I found the remote!"

Sex Therapy

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical examinations, psychological tests, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. and Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical examinations and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.''

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

"Okay. Go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''