Phillip Toledano: days with my father

Not everyone has a father they love and admire as much as Phillip Toledano did his, but most of us can still appreciate the bond between these two men and the beauty of the images and the prose found in the photo essay days with my father. I was moved to tears.

Swollen Knees

Growing Old Together...An Image of Old Love

This lovely image came in an email the other day, undeservedly associated with a rather crude joke. I was struck by the comfort expressed and by the similarity to my own bed and sleeping arrangements--the bed frame, the quilt, the shoes, the cat at the foot of the bed, the woman's foot exposed.... Put the dog on the floor, add bookcases along the walls, cover the man's foot--and the resemblance is remarkable.

One of the things I love most about being married to my husband is sharing a bed with him, going to sleep with his arm around me, content. Once in a while I will go to bed early to read and he will fall asleep downstairs on the sofa--he tires more easily and earlier in the evening since his strokes--and I feel very lonely in bed without him. When I wake and he's not beside me I creep downstairs to make sure that he is okay.

Perhaps it's easier to live without loving someone so wholeheartedly that you fear losing him as much as I fear losing my husband. I don't know. I do know that before I met him I was incredibly lonely, especially at night. Work and volunteer activities kept me busy during the day and most evenings, but going to sleep alone was becoming increasingly difficult. Often I slept on the couch, ignoring my empty bed and comfortless bedroom. About a month before we met I had experienced insomnia for the first time in my life and had gone to my physician, who prescribed valium to help me sleep. I no longer needed it after we developed such a strong love for one another.

We've been together for a little over three years now, so our love could be considered to be relatively new, but we both feel that we've been together for a long, long time--that our love is old, comfortable and comforting, just like the image of old love above. We just have to enjoy it while we can.

Church Ladies

Maybe that's why the place they sit in church is called a "pew"! :D

Gaming Grandma

Great detail--shawl, hairdo, earring, glasses, tongue peeking out signifying concentration, pink cup of tea on the console.... Brilliant! Kudos to whoever created this senior moment.

A Parent's Wish

The Wooden Bowl story in my last post is a good message/parable for children to consider as their parents age, a reminder that their day, too, will come. A Parent's Wish presents a similar message in a heartrending slideshow accompanied by the music of Josh Groban. A good friend sent me this today.

Watch, reflect, and share.

The Wooden Bowl

This has been emailed around for quite a while now, but it is such a good modern day parable to remember that I wanted to share it here. The insights at the conclusion of the story are also treasures. I've received this several times from several people. Read, reflect and share.

The Wooden Bowl

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year -old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about father," said the son. "I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor."

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.


I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:
a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.


I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a 'life..'

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands.
You need to be able to throw something back.

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.

People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I've learned that you should pass this on to everyone you care about . I just did.

A Different Kind of Senior Moment...

(click on image to enlarge)

A Strange Old Lady

A very weird thing has happened.

A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, or where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was.

She is very clever. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part; but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her there; and when I look into the mirror directly to check my appearance, suddenly she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my face and body. It is very disconcerting. I've tried yelling at her to leave but she just yells back, grimacing horribly.

If she is going to hang around, the least she could do is offer to pay rent. But no. Every once in a while I do find a couple of dollar bills on the kitchen counter, or some loose change on my bureau or on the floor, but that certainly isn't enough.

In fact, though I don't like to jump to conclusions, I think she steals from me regularly. I go to the ATM and withdraw a hundred dollars and a few days later, it's gone. I certainly don't go through it that fast, so I can only conclude the old lady pilfers it. You'd think she would spend it on some wrinkle cream, she certainly needs it.

And, the money isn't the only thing she's taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate. Especially the good stuff...ice cream, cookies, candy...I just can't keep them in the house. She really has a sweet tooth. She should watch it; she's really putting on the pounds. I think she realizes that, and to make herself feel better, I know she is tampering with my scales so I'll think I am gaining weight too.

For an old lady, she's really quite childish. She gets into my closet when I'm not home and alters all my clothes. They're getting tighter every day. Another thing: I wish she'd stop messing with my files and papers on my desk. I can't find anything anymore.

Furthermore, when I program my VCR to tape something important, she fiddles with it after I leave the room so it records the wrong channel or shuts off completely.

She finds innumerable imaginative ways to irritate me. She gets all my newspapers, magazines and mail before me, and blurs all the print and she's done something sinister with the volume controls on my TV, radio and phone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She's also made my stairs steeper, all my knobs and faucets hard to turn and my bed higher and a real challenge to get in and out of.

I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that, but yesterday she proved me wrong. She actually came with me when I went to get my passport photo taken, and she actually stepped in front of the camera, just as the shutter clicked. Disaster! I have never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroad now? No customs official is ever going to believe that scowling face on my passport is me.

She's walking on very thin ice. If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home.

Don't Look Now, But ....

(click picture to enlarge)

A bit of Christmas cheer for you

Got this gem today in an email:

click on image to enlarge

(Hope I never get too old to remember my sexual relations!) :D

Growing old at home, like old people should

I was pleased to read this article in the NYT about groups working to make neighborhoods comfortable places for elderly people not interested in assisted living. It's disconcerting, depressing and frightening to consider what will happen to us as we age. My husband and I have both vowed to never be placed into a nursing home. We would rather end our lives at home than be warehoused, waiting for death.

This video of Jacques Brel singing Les Vieux (Old People) is a poignant reminder of what lies ahead for us all. How powerful are the gestures depicting the ticking of the clock that says "I'm waiting for you". To at least be allowed to experience "our last great adventure", as Ruth Morduck optimistically describes our final years, at home in familiar surroundings leaves us with some dignity.

Crabby Old Man

My brother forwarded me an email with the following message and poem:

NOT JUST FOR NURSES BUT FOR ALL OF US TO THINK ABOUT...


CRABBY OLD MAN

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Tampa, Florida, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this " anonymous" poem winging across the Internet.


Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurses? .What do you see?
What are you thinking.....when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, ...not very wise,
Uncertain of habit ........with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food.......and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice....."I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice...the things that you do.
And forever is losing ......... A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not...........let's you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding ... The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse......you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am ......... As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, ....as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten.......with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .........who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen .....with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now. .......a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty ......my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows......that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now .......... I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide .... And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ......... My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other ....... With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons ....have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me.......to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, ......... Babies play 'round my knee,
Again , we know children ....... My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me ............ My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ..............I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing......young of their own.
And I think of the years..... And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel.
'Tis jest to make old age .....look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles..........grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone.. ......where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass ..... A young guy still dwells,
And now and again .......my battered heart swells
I remember the joys........... I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living.............life over again.

I think of the years all too few......gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact........that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .........open and see..
Not a crabby old man. Look closer....see........ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within....we will all, one day, be there too!


PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be
seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart.

1 in 7 Americans Age 71 & Older Has Dementia: NIH study

clipped from www.nia.nih.gov A new analysis suggests that about 3.4 million Americans age 71 and older—one in seven people in that age group—have dementia, and 2.4 million of them have Alzheimer’s disease (AD). The study, supported by the National Institutes of Health (NIH), is the latest in a series of analyses attempting to assess the prevalence of dementia and AD, the most common form of dementia. Published online this week in Neuroepidemiology, the study is the first to estimate rates of dementia and AD using a nationally representative sample of older adults across the United States The study highlights the nationwide reach of dementia, which affects not only those with the disease, but their families and communities as well. NIA experts point out, the numbers of people with dementia, and Alzheimer’s specifically, will certainly increase until ways to delay the progression or prevent the dementia are found. Advancing age is the most common known risk factor for Alzheimer’s disease

As this affects not only those with dementia, but their families and communities as well, we need to get busy and find ways to delay progression or prevent dementia--ways other than increasing our chances of dying young via promoting & provoking war, ignoring malnutrition and stressing our children to the point of suicide...

Study: Vision to linked mental decline in seniors

clipped from bodyandhealth.canada.com Problems seeing things close-up can speed up the rate of mental decline in the elderly, a study published in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society indicates Researchers examined the link between vision and level of mental functioning in 2,140 Mexican-American adults over the age of 65. What they found was that seniors who had problems with near vision (but not with distance) showed the steepest decline in mental functioning over a 7-year period The exact reason for the link between near vision and rate of mental decline is unclear, but the researchers speculate that not being able to see things close up affects the level of brain activity by decreasing both active and passive visual stimulation. Keeping your brain active through activities such as reading or doing crosswords, and even by passively processing visual information, increases nerve activity in the brain and has been shown in studies to have a preventative effect against dementia and Alzheimer's disease

Good news for the nearsighted, but not so good for those who are farsighted. Guess we'll all have to try hard to stay mentally active. Fortunately I find that clipping and writing remarks & comments is mentally stimulating! (for me, anyway)

A Grass-Roots Effort to Grow Old at Home

Groups want to make neighborhoods comfortable places for elderly people not interested in assisted living.

read more | digg story

Young at heart: Ramones--I wanna be sedated

Young at heart choir - Ramones I wanna be sedated

Picture yourself singing your favorite songs...forty or fifty years from now. Funny yet bittersweet...

PAWS: pet project helps seniors, too

clipped from www.sfgate.com SAN FRANCISCO A pet project to help seniors PAWS provides food, other necessities to low-income owners In her prime, Ola Carlson was an artist's model in San Francisco. Now she's 98, and her friends are all dead. But she is not alone. Carlson lives with a calico cat named Patches. They've been together a decade. Last summer, they became the newest clients of PAWS (Pets Are Wonderful Support), an organization that allows low-income people to keep their pets by providing food, litter, dog walkers, vet visits -- whatever it takes. PAWS was founded in 1986 to assist people with AIDS and HIV. It expanded its services to the disabled in 2002 and now helps the elderly as well. A pilot program that started last year became permanent in January. Fourteen of the 550 San Franciscans served by PAWS are seniors. One of PAWS' 350 volunteers brings food and litter every four weeks, and deals with vet visits when necessary. www.pawssf.org.

Heartwarming news for a change!

Side note: Ola Carlson, the elderly woman featured in this story, apparently led a wild life. Read the article for the racy details.

Landscaping statement LOL

Shades of Edward Scissorhands! LOL

Older Adults: Depression and Suicide Facts

clipped from www.nimh.nih.gov Older Adults: Depression and Suicide Facts Older Americans are disproportionately likely to die by suicide. Although they comprise only 12 percent of the U.S. population, people age 65 and older accounted for 16 percent of suicide deaths in 2004. 14.3 of every 100,000 people age 65 and older died by suicide in 2004, higher than the rate of about 11 per 100,000 in the general population. Non-Hispanic white men age 85 and older were most likely to die by suicide. They had a rate of 49.8 suicide deaths per 100,000 persons in that age group. Depressive disorder is not a normal part of aging. Emotional experiences of sadness, grief, response to loss, and temporary “blue” moods are normal. Persistent depression that interferes significantly with ability to function is not. IF YOU ARE IN CRISIS AND NEED HELP RIGHT AWAY: Call this toll-free number, available 24 hours a day, every day: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You will reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, a service available to anyone.

I don't believe that Americans are the only people guilty of neglecting their senior citizens, but I do agree that robbing our older adults of their dignity and leaving them hopeless, to the point of depression and suicide, is shameful. If you take a look at the way many of our seniors are warehoused in nursing homes, waiting to die, you can easily understand why many people opt out of this fate by committing suicide.

On a positive note, there are people working to improve the quality of life of the elderly, helping to keep them in their own homes (where they are happy) yet still monitor their health via technology and homecare services. Also, those who can afford higher quality nursing homes and retirement centers are less likely to suffer the indignities and isolation that create despair and death wishes. We all need to do whatever we can to promote the mental and physical well-being of our seniors; like it or not, we are following in their footsteps.