No Brainer

I get quite a few spam comments and so have had to disallow comments on several posts. I'm not sure why I even keep this blog, since I so seldom post anything on it, except that I'm too lazy to go through the posts to save stuff I don't want to delete.

Five Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’ Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly
dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keepyour mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE



an oldie but goodie

Asked at the climate summit...

What thinking outside the box will get you

Revenge!

Snapdragon Time

I just wanted you to know I have entered the snapdragon part of my life.


part of me has snapped ...

and the rest of me is draggin'

An Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!’
'What powerful rivers!’
'What beautiful animals!’
he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.



He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him...



At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?’
‘Am I to count you as a believer?’

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?’

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:



'Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

Winter Poem

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WINTER POEM

It's winter in Northern Ontario
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At twenty-five below.

Oh, how I love Northern Ontario
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Northern Ontario
I'm frozen to the freakin' ground!

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Poor Frosty

An oldie but goodie, this makes me smile every time I see it. (Click to enlarge)

Jackasselope Spotted At Rural Residence!

My husband discovered this creature by the woodshed and shot it with my camera today. Until seeing the photo I had never seen a jackasselope, and will no doubt have nightmares after viewing it.

It's so ugly that it's almost cute. But, hey, it splits wood! And it attracts black flies, drawing them away from other living creatures.

Who couldn't use one of these?

Memorable Merriment From The Divine Miss M

The 1985 appearance of the Bette Midler on the Johnny Carson Show is one of my all-time television favorites. Over the years I've often thought about her hilarious rendition of "Fit or Fat (Fat As I Am)" and wished to see it again. Through the combined miracles of the Internet and YouTube my wish came true this evening, when I found this gem:



Fit or Fat (Fat As I Am)

Fat as I am.
Who wants to see a diva fat as I am?
I get mistaken now for Lainie Kazan.
How is it that I'm fat as I am?

Fat as I am.
The camera's gonna add a ton to my can.
This is the way they say Godzilla began.
How did I get as fat as I am?

"Try it again."
All of my friends say I should diet again;
That all my fans are gonna riot again.
"Look what happened to Liz."

All of my sins
are not as numerous as . . . all of my chins!
I could audition for the Doublemint twins.
No one in the biz is as fat as I is.

Ah, but what's a career
when you put it next to knackwurst and beer?
They could park a DC10 on my rear.
God knows I got the gas!

There goes the chair.
But to tell the truth, I'm too fat to care!
I ate a meatball off the floor right over there.
Ah, you don't give a damn
when you're fat as I am!

--Bette Midler, from Mud Will Be Flung Tonight!

Priceless!

A Father Goose Tale

We live on a very rural, gravel road with dips and rises, a road cut through a forest and bisecting a stream that leads to one of the two lakes that can be seen from the roadside. The two lowest-lying areas are wet and marshy on either side of the road and have proven to be handy portages for Canada geese families traveling by foot from one lake to another. Why drag the goslings through the woods and underbrush when there is a clear path most of the way?

Yesterday I saw two pair of Canada geese, one pair at each portage site, both pair in the vegetation alongside the road. Well, today on my way to an appointment in town I encountered one pair of geese shepherding eight little goslings down the road. How sweet!


(Click images to enlarge)

When Father Goose began to feel threatened by my car he slowed down while Mother Goose continued walking with the babies, moving them toward the opposite side of the road, the side they would eventually exit on. I crept along, not wishing to alarm the geese yet needing to get into town. Father Goose slowed down even more and spread his beautiful tail feathers as a warning to me.



When I persisted in following him he stopped and bent his neck at me menacingly. His message was clear: Back off! His threat display was a treat to witness, and his valor in protecting his family was heartwarming. I know how aggressive Canada geese are when they have little ones so I kept a healthy distance away when I stepped out of the car for a couple of photos, didn't tarry long outside the car and even rolled my car windows up enough to prevent an attack from that angle.



We made a humorous procession, I'm sure--Mother Goose with six goslings by her side, Father Goose walking much more slowly several yards behind his family and stopping every few seconds to "gooseneck" and make threatening displays, and me in my car, creeping along slower than Father Goose, waiting for the family to reach their destination and get off the road.



Time passed. I needed to get going. What to do? I honked, hoping to speed up the geese a bit. Mother Goose nervously moved their brood to the side of the road, the goslings looked confused and Father Goose grew even more angry and menacing at the intruder on HIS road.



After the mother and babies left the road Father Goose refused to budge from his position in front of my car. For another quarter of a mile he walked ahead of me, crossing back and forth in front of my car, goose-stepping and making menacing displays while I trailed behind him, slightly embarrassed to be caught in such a position yet thrilled to witness, and be part of, this fierce display of bravado. It would have been so easy to have run over the valiant guy; another person may have done so, but not I. No, I let him lead me far away from his family, let him bully me into driving extremely s-l-o-w-l-y, let him fulfill his role of protector and maintain his dignity at the expense of my own.



When we reached the beginning of the downhill slope past our neighbors' driveway, the point at which the field of dreams comes into view, Father Goose finally decided to take wing. Off he flew, circling back to rejoin his family.





Coming home after an afternoon of errands I had forgotten about my encounter with Father Goose, but was quickly reminded when I came upon TWO pair of geese accompanied by their young: six with one set of parents and three with the other.



Once again a Father Goose slowed to force me to slow down and allow all the others to proceed safely. I was in no hurry and didn't mind creeping along at a goose's pace, but was amused at his goose-stepping and occasional goosenecking displays of protectiveness. Long after the other geese left the road at the entrance to the lake he continued to lead me up the road for at least an eighth of a mile before taking wing and allowing me to pass.

Goosenecking


Goose-stepping



Sights and encounters like this remind me of how wonderful it is to live where wildlife still make their home and raise their families. These geese, the mother fox with her three or four kits that we see occasionally near the entrance to their den in the field of dreams, the sandhill cranes that we look so forward to seeing each year in the field of dreams and in other fields as we drive along the back roads, the silly little partridges we see alongside the road, the woodcocks with their funny walk, the deer we see in the fields...all these and more (including the one black bear and two moose I've seen in our area) bring the my husband and I an enormous amount of joy.

A bit of wisdom...from the back pew

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

Is This Your Cat?

(click to enlarge)

I believe I have seen this *cat* several times. Ha ha

Gaming Grandma

Great detail--shawl, hairdo, earring, glasses, tongue peeking out signifying concentration, pink cup of tea on the console.... Brilliant! Kudos to whoever created this senior moment.

The Y Generation

This one's for Old Horsetail Snake, in the beautiful state of Oregon, who enjoys posting wisecracks.

In its January 22, 2008 edition, the Quebec City newspaper, Le Soleil, had a topic about generations by age group.

Generations are grouped as follows:

- The Silent generation (aka The Greatest Generation), people born before 1945.

- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961.

- Generation X, people born between 1962 and 1976.

- Generation Y, people born between 1977 and 1989.


You ask why 'Y' ?.. .

A caricaturist explains it eloquently below...

With Love From Beanie the Chicken

For further displays of Beanie the Chicken's talents click here. She sure can play the piano!

My Piggybank

My piggybank after I bought gas this morning

(emailed from a wacky friend in Indiana)

Stress Test: Do You Need A Vacation?

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.

Green Bananas

There's a bittersweet old joke that comes to mind today:

"Doctor, Doctor, how much time do I have left to live?"

"Let's put it this way. Don't buy green bananas."

For the last few days I thought that I'd bought my last green banana because I've been very ill and in hospital until noon today. I have felt pretty grim and a little afraid that this was how I would end my days. It's a sobering thought. The doctor on call booted me out today, which is okay by me. It's good to be home again.

We stopped for a few groceries on the way home from the hospital and bought some green bananas, a symbol of hope for us both.