Sex Therapy

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical examinations, psychological tests, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. and Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical examinations and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.''

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

"Okay. Go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

New Student

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the
son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said,
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for
Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the
teacher.

"Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people,for the people,
shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from
Pedro, who announced, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class,you should be ashamed! Pedro, who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie,1836."

At that point, a student in the back said,"I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right!Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro
answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out
of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to
Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said,"You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein,2003."

Finally someone threw an eraser at Pedro and someone shouted "Duck"!
The now groggy but conscious teacher asked, "Who said that? "
Pedro replied, "Dick Cheney 2006!"

Istanbul (not Constantinople)

A remarkable slideshow created by a Turkish tour guide, featuring beautiful Istanbul and accompanied by the delightful, energetic and humorous song "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)".

"Istanbul was Constantinople
Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night

Every gal in Constantinople
Lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople
So if you've a date in Constantinople
She'll be waiting in Istanbul

Even old New York was once New Amsterdam
Why they changed it I can't say
People just liked it better that way

So take me back to Constantinople
No, you can't go back to Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works
That's nobody's business but the Turks

Istanbul (Istanbul)
Istanbul (Istanbul)

From the About this Video:

Istanbul is Turkey's most populous city, and its cultural and financial center.In its long history, Istanbul (Constantinople) served as the capital city of the Roman Empire (330-395), the Byzantine Empire (395-1204 and 1261-1453), the Latin Empire (1204-1261), and the Ottoman Empire (1453-1922).

Frosty Funny

click image to enlarge


(from an email forwarded by my brother)

BeFunkified!

Today on Clipmarks I found a fun photo-manipulating site called BeFunky and, of course, was immediately compelled to befunkify myself.

Quite flattering, eh wot?

Nun brains may help unlock secrets of Alzheimer's

clipped from www.cnn.com Two decades ago, Sister Treanor and 677 other members of the School Sisters of Notre Dame granted a young researcher's request to test them each year The mission: Tracking the progression of Alzheimer's disease and other age-related brain disorders The 61 surviving nuns recently completed their last round of intellectual and physical tests for the Nun Study, one of the world's most comprehensive neurological research projects One final sacrifice remains: When they die, their brains will be taken for further study, joining a collection of hundreds of other brains donated by the the nuns who died before them Snowdon's work already has produced interesting results, including a finding that people who challenge themselves intellectually can apparently delay or prevent the onset of Alzheimer's symptoms About half the nuns in the study developed Alzheimer's disease or other forms of dementia before they died, about similar to the general population It's such a cool study

Nun Study -- valuable research into aging. And it's also okay with the Pope!

Ode to Cranky Men

I chanced to pass a window

While walking through a mall

With nothing much upon my mind,

Quite blank as I recall.


I noticed in that window

A cranky-faced old man,

And why he looked so cranky

I didn't understand.


Just why he looked at me that way

Was more than I could see

Until I came to realize

That cranky man was ME!


(found on Have Fun With English)

Don't Look Now, But ....

(click picture to enlarge)

The Difference Between Women and Men

For all us women

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.


"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.


"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.


"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"


The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.


"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.


Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women


(My Note: received as an email, so no attribution possible, unfortunately)

Attention! Aliens Are Coming!

ATTENTION

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

YOUR BUTT IS SAFE. I'M JUST POSTING TO SAY GOODBYE.

Christmas Carols for Disturbed Friends

1. Schizophrenia -- Do I Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
4. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....
6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming To Town To Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, and I Don't Know Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent Night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.. .


(received in an email from a disturbed friend) :D

A bit of Christmas cheer for you

Got this gem today in an email:

click on image to enlarge

(Hope I never get too old to remember my sexual relations!) :D

Going Gray and Loving It!

Today I found a great post on the health and life mixing bowl, discussing the issue of women going gray--a subject near and dear to my heart (and head)! Take a look!

Life is like a roll of toilet paper...

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.

Bubba and Billy Joe

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! Shirts $2.00 each! Trousers $2.50 each!"

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well... yeah," says a surprised Bubba... "How come you knowed that?"


"Because this is a dry-cleaners..."

World's Fastest Clapper: See For Yourself!

Kent(Toast)French, holds the record for 'Most claps in a minute': 721!

What Holiday Are You?

You Are Christmas

More than most people, you are able to find magic in life's small moments. Traditions mean a lot to you, and you tend to be quite nostalgic. You are a giving, kind person who really understands the true meaning of holidays. You inspire others to be as altruistic and caring as you are. What makes you celebrate: Tradition and a generous spirit At holiday get togethers, you do best as: The storyteller. You like to recount memories with everyone. On a holiday, you're the one most likely to: Give a gift to everyone you know

What Holiday Are You?

Winters Long Ago

Sit back and enjoy this nostalgic, whimsical look at winters long ago, from greatdanepro.com. The photo above is one of mine, taken after the first big snowfall last winter, not so long ago.