Sex Therapy

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical examinations, psychological tests, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. and Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical examinations and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.''

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

"Okay. Go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

New Student

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the
son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said,
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for
Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the
teacher.

"Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people,for the people,
shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from
Pedro, who announced, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class,you should be ashamed! Pedro, who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie,1836."

At that point, a student in the back said,"I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right!Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro
answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out
of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to
Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said,"You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein,2003."

Finally someone threw an eraser at Pedro and someone shouted "Duck"!
The now groggy but conscious teacher asked, "Who said that? "
Pedro replied, "Dick Cheney 2006!"

Istanbul (not Constantinople)

A remarkable slideshow created by a Turkish tour guide, featuring beautiful Istanbul and accompanied by the delightful, energetic and humorous song "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)".

"Istanbul was Constantinople
Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night

Every gal in Constantinople
Lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople
So if you've a date in Constantinople
She'll be waiting in Istanbul

Even old New York was once New Amsterdam
Why they changed it I can't say
People just liked it better that way

So take me back to Constantinople
No, you can't go back to Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works
That's nobody's business but the Turks

Istanbul (Istanbul)
Istanbul (Istanbul)

From the About this Video:

Istanbul is Turkey's most populous city, and its cultural and financial center.In its long history, Istanbul (Constantinople) served as the capital city of the Roman Empire (330-395), the Byzantine Empire (395-1204 and 1261-1453), the Latin Empire (1204-1261), and the Ottoman Empire (1453-1922).

Frosty Funny

click image to enlarge


(from an email forwarded by my brother)

BeFunkified!

Today on Clipmarks I found a fun photo-manipulating site called BeFunky and, of course, was immediately compelled to befunkify myself.

Quite flattering, eh wot?

Nun brains may help unlock secrets of Alzheimer's

clipped from www.cnn.com Two decades ago, Sister Treanor and 677 other members of the School Sisters of Notre Dame granted a young researcher's request to test them each year The mission: Tracking the progression of Alzheimer's disease and other age-related brain disorders The 61 surviving nuns recently completed their last round of intellectual and physical tests for the Nun Study, one of the world's most comprehensive neurological research projects One final sacrifice remains: When they die, their brains will be taken for further study, joining a collection of hundreds of other brains donated by the the nuns who died before them Snowdon's work already has produced interesting results, including a finding that people who challenge themselves intellectually can apparently delay or prevent the onset of Alzheimer's symptoms About half the nuns in the study developed Alzheimer's disease or other forms of dementia before they died, about similar to the general population It's such a cool study

Nun Study -- valuable research into aging. And it's also okay with the Pope!

Ode to Cranky Men

I chanced to pass a window

While walking through a mall

With nothing much upon my mind,

Quite blank as I recall.


I noticed in that window

A cranky-faced old man,

And why he looked so cranky

I didn't understand.


Just why he looked at me that way

Was more than I could see

Until I came to realize

That cranky man was ME!


(found on Have Fun With English)

Don't Look Now, But ....

(click picture to enlarge)

The Difference Between Women and Men

For all us women

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.


"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.


"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.


"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"


The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.


"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.


Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women


(My Note: received as an email, so no attribution possible, unfortunately)

Attention! Aliens Are Coming!

ATTENTION

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

YOUR BUTT IS SAFE. I'M JUST POSTING TO SAY GOODBYE.

Christmas Carols for Disturbed Friends

1. Schizophrenia -- Do I Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
4. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....
6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming To Town To Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, and I Don't Know Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent Night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.. .


(received in an email from a disturbed friend) :D

A bit of Christmas cheer for you

Got this gem today in an email:

click on image to enlarge

(Hope I never get too old to remember my sexual relations!) :D

Going Gray and Loving It!

Today I found a great post on the health and life mixing bowl, discussing the issue of women going gray--a subject near and dear to my heart (and head)! Take a look!

Life is like a roll of toilet paper...

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.

Bubba and Billy Joe

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! Shirts $2.00 each! Trousers $2.50 each!"

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well... yeah," says a surprised Bubba... "How come you knowed that?"


"Because this is a dry-cleaners..."

World's Fastest Clapper: See For Yourself!

Kent(Toast)French, holds the record for 'Most claps in a minute': 721!

What Holiday Are You?

You Are Christmas

More than most people, you are able to find magic in life's small moments. Traditions mean a lot to you, and you tend to be quite nostalgic. You are a giving, kind person who really understands the true meaning of holidays. You inspire others to be as altruistic and caring as you are. What makes you celebrate: Tradition and a generous spirit At holiday get togethers, you do best as: The storyteller. You like to recount memories with everyone. On a holiday, you're the one most likely to: Give a gift to everyone you know

What Holiday Are You?

Winters Long Ago

Sit back and enjoy this nostalgic, whimsical look at winters long ago, from greatdanepro.com. The photo above is one of mine, taken after the first big snowfall last winter, not so long ago.

Music for Lovers... (Mature)

Got this in an email from a raunchy friend...hahaha

Why Adopt An Older Dog?

clipped from www.olddoghaven.org Why Adopt An Older Dog? If you have room in your home and heart for an older dog, consider the following reasons why adopting an older dog is a very good idea: Older dogs, especially those that come to us, settle in easily and are more than ready and willing to bond with you and your family. What you see is what you get with older dogs. They’ve already grown into themselves in all ways. An older dog probably won’t need a great deal of exercise, and will really appreciate quality time with you and a good nap. And of course, your socks and underwear will remain in tact. Older dogs generally like to watch the same programs on TV that you do, so you won’t have to learn to enjoy cartoons. Many older dogs have already experienced rides in the car and walking on leash, so they’re instant companions and ready to continue those activities with you. Older dogs are very grateful for the second chance they’ve been given and are very good at giving and receiving love. currently adoptable dogs,

by Ardeth DeVries. More:

"Older dogs have figured out what humans are all about and are willing and eager to add new information to their knowledge of human behavior. Old dogs can absolutely learn new tricks!

There’s absolutely nothing like the smile you get from older dogs—especially dogs that haven’t felt like smiling in awhile, but now have reasons to smile because you love them.

Older dogs are looking for human companions who will value their wisdom and their slow pace. They have their very own special appeal.

When you adopt older dogs, you can erase any unpleasant past experiences that they’ve had by loving them and caring for them. It doesn’t get any better than that!"

On a personal note, last April our local animal shelter helped us find an older dog to provide a companion to our 15-yr-old dog, who, like us, was grieving over the death of his older "brother" . We adopted our Sadie, a 9-yr-old who had been discarded in favor of a puppy. She is a JOY!

Pageflakes: creative therapy for flaky people

My wild and crazy Public Pagecasts. That includes you, too! So far I have one friend on Pageflakes, dear old Socratoad. If you have a Pageflakes account (free!) and want to hook up as a friend, just add me through Pageflakes. I'm working on several more Pagecasts, so stay tuned!

Look who thinks you are great!

The True Nature of a Heart

John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She now lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II. During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York. "You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened: A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured. Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her. This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment. "I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?" The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!" It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom. The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive. "Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are." (Anon)

Funny Epitaphs

clipped from www.usroots.com On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102 The Good Die Young. In a London, England cemetery: Ann Mann Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast Pardon me For not rising. In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery: Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803 His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted. (ed: guess they did not have personal ads then) A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.

LOL Go to the original website for more funny epitaphs.

My Native American Name

Your Native American Name Is...

Kimi Kuwanyauma Your name means: Secret Butterfly Showing Beautiful Wings

What's Your Native American Name?

Silly me...hahahaha

Mother Nature's Smile

Why Salvador Dali Should Paint My Portrait

Who Should Paint You: Salvador Dali

You're a complex, intense creature who displays many layers. There's no way a traditional portrait could ever capture you!

What Artist Should Paint Your Portrait?

Alzheimer's memory loss faster among well-educated

clipped from www.reuters.com

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Having more years of formal education delays the memory loss linked to Alzheimer's disease, but once the condition begins to take hold, better-educated people decline more rapidly, researchers said on Monday.

Their study, published in the journal Neurology, tracked memory loss in a group of elderly people from New York City's Bronx borough before they were diagnosed with Alzheimer's or another form of old-age dementia.

Every year of education delayed the accelerated memory decline that precedes dementia by about 2-1/2 months, according to the researchers at Yeshiva University's Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York.

But once this memory loss began, the rate of decline unfolded 4 percent more quickly for each additional year of education, the researchers said.

Someone with 16 years of schooling might experience memory decline 50 percent more quickly than another person with just four years education, based on the findings.

As one of my fellow clippers, pokkets, astutely observed, increasing one's level of education is "Holding the water back until the dam breaks, rather than letting it trickle down the drain." Which I find to be a comfort, of sorts--I'll fight it but should it happen to me anyway it will proceed more quickly and be over. I hope.

Problem Patience

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

Doctor Feelgood?

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober."

Tips for Safe Sneezing

clipped from www.newsdaily.com Ailing individuals who do not want to spread their infections should sneeze into their sleeves rather than their hands, a British virus expert recommends Professor John Oxford of London's Queen Mary medical school has claimed that by sneezing into one's sleeve or crook of the elbow, a person who is sick can significantly limit the spread of their infection, The Telegraph said Saturday "The new etiquette should be to cough and sneeze into your elbow," "It breaks the chain of transmission, and you must wash your hands properly and regularly." Other keys to preventing the spread of infection are repeatedly washing your hands and using disposable tissues rather than a handkerchief "You should sing 'Happy Birthday' twice over while washing your hands with hot water and soap, a quick squirt of cold water will not do it," the virus expert told the British newspaper. "The handkerchief can be a harbinger of unpleasant micro-organisms. Bacteria can multiply in them."

The new etiquette? I don't believe that the practice is new at all. Haven't we all seen others do it, or have been guilty of doing it ourselves?

Sneezing and coughing into your sleeve helps prevent airborne transmission of viruses and bacteria, but there is a certain yuck! factor in having saliva & snot caked sleeves. The good doctor should have mentioned the obvious need to handle infected clothing carefully and wash it thoroughly...and promptly!

Socrates and the Test of Three

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and left, ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Growing old at home, like old people should

I was pleased to read this article in the NYT about groups working to make neighborhoods comfortable places for elderly people not interested in assisted living. It's disconcerting, depressing and frightening to consider what will happen to us as we age. My husband and I have both vowed to never be placed into a nursing home. We would rather end our lives at home than be warehoused, waiting for death.

This video of Jacques Brel singing Les Vieux (Old People) is a poignant reminder of what lies ahead for us all. How powerful are the gestures depicting the ticking of the clock that says "I'm waiting for you". To at least be allowed to experience "our last great adventure", as Ruth Morduck optimistically describes our final years, at home in familiar surroundings leaves us with some dignity.

What's wrong with lawyer jokes?

clipped from hlavolamy.szm.sk Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes? A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.