Spammer Names

Did you ever wonder how spammers come up with the names they use when they invite you to get out of debt quick or hit her G spot all the time or claim your free Viagra...? Names like Windo Bonestitcher or Hapless C. Mudflap or Washer Poultice used to cause me to wrinkle my brow, purse my lips, and wonder where on earth these names come from. Now I have a clue, and have been given my own spammer name:

My spammer name is Shall W. Collage.

Enter your name to get yours:

If you're lucky you just might find Shall W. Collage in your spam folder one of these days, inviting you to Be a shagedelic casanova. Yeah baby! Yeah!!

A Complicated Order

A Complicated Order

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."

"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare."

The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I received yesterday!"

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The F Word: Flu

When I started this blog my intent was to keep it fairly light and impersonal--just a hit-and-miss assemblage of a few of the things I find interesting or funny. A place to experiment with AdSense (I'm up to a total of about $2 now, haha). A website to validate myself, yet remain fairly anonymous, when I post comments on other people's blogs. A place to post amusing things I receive in emails so that I can clip them to Clipmarks. A place to post amusing things in a format that I can copy and paste to create a clever email to send to friends. A multi-purpose sort of blog, sans personal information.

From time to time, however, I think that a bit of personal information is warranted here. Now is such a time, because as I look at the paucity of posts over the last few months I am embarrassed by the impression of a lack of effort, interest, or both. Especially if people click the link to this blog to check out the person who made a comment on their blog or on a blog they are following. I toyed with the idea of giving up the blog, but decided instead to reveal a bit of myself in my explanation for not posting much lately.

Unfortunately the excuse is not that I've been too busy partying or traveling. No, the reason has to do with my husband's significant cardiovascular problems which combined with cold, gloomy winter weather have blanketed our household with a heavy mixture of anxiety and depression. For the last nine days my husband and I have been further undermined in body and spirit by a terrible flu that is going around. Since we seldom venture from home these days, I must have picked the virus up from someone at a meeting at the local library on the afternoon of February 28th. We both started feeling a little "under the weather" a day and a half later.

From that point on it was a rapid descent into flu hell--frequent prolonged sneezing, lots of mucous and congestion, excruciating muscle aches and pains, extreme fatigue, headache, sore throat.... No fever, though, that I know of. We reached a point when we thought we would die, and then moved on to the point of wishing we would die and be put out of our misery. One or the other of us was able to rally just enough to forage for food in the kitchen once in a while. I managed to make chicken soup Wednesday (March 5th) but was far too sick to attend an important meeting in town. I also had to miss the planning meeting the next day.

It wasn't until yesterday morning (Saturday)that we were able to creep into town to the grocery to replenish our supplies. We are still far from well, although, mercifully, the sneezing has ceased. My chest hurts down deep and it feels as if I'm being stabbed when I cough. I'm more short of breath than usual, probably due to the congestion, but as long as I just rest I can live with this and not panic. For some reason, though, my blood pressure has soared and I have to be very, very careful to not exert myself much. As if I felt like exerting myself. My poor husband, who feels at least as lousy as I do, has managed to keep body and soul together for our multitude of creatures, in both house and barn. He's a trooper.

Recently there have been other serious and heartbreaking events in my family back in the USA that I won't go into here. There's not been a lot of joy in my life lately, but I'm still hanging in, monkeying my way through life's trials and tribulations. I could use some good vibes if you have any to send my way.

A Strange Old Lady

A very weird thing has happened.

A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, or where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was.

She is very clever. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part; but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her there; and when I look into the mirror directly to check my appearance, suddenly she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my face and body. It is very disconcerting. I've tried yelling at her to leave but she just yells back, grimacing horribly.

If she is going to hang around, the least she could do is offer to pay rent. But no. Every once in a while I do find a couple of dollar bills on the kitchen counter, or some loose change on my bureau or on the floor, but that certainly isn't enough.

In fact, though I don't like to jump to conclusions, I think she steals from me regularly. I go to the ATM and withdraw a hundred dollars and a few days later, it's gone. I certainly don't go through it that fast, so I can only conclude the old lady pilfers it. You'd think she would spend it on some wrinkle cream, she certainly needs it.

And, the money isn't the only thing she's taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate. Especially the good stuff...ice cream, cookies, candy...I just can't keep them in the house. She really has a sweet tooth. She should watch it; she's really putting on the pounds. I think she realizes that, and to make herself feel better, I know she is tampering with my scales so I'll think I am gaining weight too.

For an old lady, she's really quite childish. She gets into my closet when I'm not home and alters all my clothes. They're getting tighter every day. Another thing: I wish she'd stop messing with my files and papers on my desk. I can't find anything anymore.

Furthermore, when I program my VCR to tape something important, she fiddles with it after I leave the room so it records the wrong channel or shuts off completely.

She finds innumerable imaginative ways to irritate me. She gets all my newspapers, magazines and mail before me, and blurs all the print and she's done something sinister with the volume controls on my TV, radio and phone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She's also made my stairs steeper, all my knobs and faucets hard to turn and my bed higher and a real challenge to get in and out of.

I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that, but yesterday she proved me wrong. She actually came with me when I went to get my passport photo taken, and she actually stepped in front of the camera, just as the shutter clicked. Disaster! I have never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroad now? No customs official is ever going to believe that scowling face on my passport is me.

She's walking on very thin ice. If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home.